Catch 22

Five months ago I was blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She has brought me so much joy in the past few months.

 However, joy isn’t the only thing that having a baby has brought me. It also brought me back the 50 pounds I lost pre-pregnancy, plus some additional bonus pounds. I am now the heaviest I have been (non-pregnant) in my whole. entire. life.

photo credit

 When I was pregnant, I blamed it on being pregnant. In my defense, I had low iron, which made me hungry all the time. I also got put on bed rest for six weeks. After delivery, everyone kept telling me it was just baby weight, and I would lose it. “Take it easy on yourself. You just had a baby,” they would say in consolation.

Well, how long is the post-partum time window for just had a baby? I have had my bundle of joy for 5 months now, and guess what? It’s time to face facts. I am overweight (again).
My wakeup call came when I attempted to put on the pants that I bought post pregnancy to get me through until I lost the baby weight. These pants are about three sizes bigger than the pants I was wearing when I got pregnant. Well, guess what? They. Don’t. Fit. I managed to button them, but to my chagrin, it was horribly uncomfortable when I tried to sit down. What happened? Did they shrink? I stepped on the scale and realized that it wasn’t the pants’ fault. It was mine.

I realized I have to stop making excuses. I was hiding behind the pregnancy. It seemed like a good excuse to eat. No one judges a pregnant woman, right? She’s eating for two.

I was hiding behind the bed rest. I couldn’t exercise. It wasn’t my fault.

I was hiding behind Post Partum Depression and anxiety. I was too dizzy to get on the treadmill. The medication made it worse. (Let’s face it. I was self-medicating with food.)

I was hiding behind the myth that the baby weight would just magically melt away after the just had a baby time window closed.

Let’s get real. At this point, it’s not baby weight. It’s MY weight. I did it to myself (again). I have to undo it (again).

The problem for me (and many other who struggle with weight loss) is that somehow body image is inextricably connected to self-worth. I hate to look in the mirror. Look at what I did to myself! I need to change! BUT I feel so horrible about myself that I feel like I can’t change. Actually, I don’t feel like I deserve to look better. 

What would it matter if I started trying to exercise and eat better? I’d still be a loser—just a smaller one….And the verbal self-abuse continues in a downward spiral. I’ll spare you the vicious details.

So I have to find a way out of the Catch 22. I need to find that mindset I had last year when I began my weight loss journey to lose 50 pounds. I did it before. I should be able to do it again. But I won’t--until I care enough about myself to want it. For me.